When Faking it is the Best Idea

Being an adult can be kinda cool sometimes. Especially in the beginning, like when you’re 20 or 21 and you don’t have to live with your parents anymore but your bills aren’t quite astronomical yet. You start looking to buy your first ‘grownup’ car because you finally have enough credit so no one has to cosign, you can eat cake for breakfast and cereal for dinner without anyone judging you, and friends can drop by basically any time they/you want because no kids and no spouse equals impromptu mini parties on any given night of the week.

This obviously all changes when you bring a spouse and kids into the mix. But honestly, there are some pretty cool things that come from being a parent too. You get to relive your Disney glory days with no one telling you to ‘grow up’, ice cream celebrations become the norm when even the tiniest victory happens like peeing in the toilet, and all of the sudden you have a tiny little human to carry around that will always love you unconditionally even if you make a mistake.

Now don’t get me wrong… there are plenty of sucky things that come with being a parent. The whole ‘being responsible for other people’ thing can put a damper on life. Suddenly you have to feed other mouths, you have to ensure schedules coincide, and you have to make sure teeth get brushed (yes, even your spouse’s). But allow me to share the worst thing about being a parent:

Faking it.

Having to reel in your emotions and put on a brave face so you don’t freak out the children. I’m not talking about crying if you’re sad (which I actually believe is a healthy thing to show your kids). I’m talking about those instances that catch you off guard and you want to scream and run... maybe… oh I don’t know… like when spiders attack you!

Ok, I know spiders don’t technically attack per se, but let’s be honest…. if an arachnid is crawling anywhere in the same square mile as me, it obviously is trying to kill me. I’m typically not an "Aaahhhhh, there’s a bug flying around my head!" kind of person, but I’m particularly NOT fond of spiders…. oh, and snakes. For the love of God, I cannot understand why these 2 things were created.

A couple weeks ago, I was at home with my munchkins having a typical day. The hubby was working so I made the kids play outside while I cleaned (because cleaning the house with kids around is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos… it doesn’t work). The Littles decided to play in the baby pool I’ve had set up for them this summer. They love it, and it keeps them busy and happy for at least an hour at a time.

As I’m folding laundry, I hear them start screaming. I run out and start yelling at them, “Stop screaming before the neighbors call CPS!!” And then I see it…

The kids had flipped one of their tricycles into the pool and it landed upside down and there, on the underbelly of the middle plastic part of the toy were, not 1, not 2, but 3 HUGE BROWN WIDOWS. Oh, and they were huddled up around a ginormous group of egg sacks.

What I WANTED to do:

Run

Scream

Call Animal Control and the Center for Disease Control and maybe 911

Burn the backyard

Burn the house down

What I HAD to do as a parent so my children weren’t scarred for life:

Silently cursed the devil because I KNOW he created spiders

Calmly told the kids to go inside

Raided and bleached the heck out of the entire tricycle and baby pool

Put the remains in a bag and threw it away

Checked the rest of the backyard and toys (where I found more eggs and had to dispose)

Yes, those are eggs.

Every ounce of my skin was itching and crawling for the rest of the day. I couldn’t even walk into the backyard for like 2 days. And to top it off, I couldn’t release my emotions and cry into someone’s shoulder about how traumatic the experience was because the kids were eyeing me like a freaking spy. They were watching to see how I reacted, looking for affirmation of their screams and horrified faces.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for my children seeing me express emotions. It’s important that they know it’s ok to be sad and it’s ok to feel angry as long as you deal with it correctly. But coming from experience, showing them just how terrified you are of spiders doesn’t solve anything. For a long time, my daughter would scream at butterflies and my son is just now getting to the point where flies don’t freak him out. I really don’t want to add to that ridiculousness.

When I was in high school I was a camp counselor and the cabin mom for about twenty 3rd and 4th grade girls. At one point we found a huge spider, and babies, under one of the girls’ hats on the bed post. Only being in high school at the time, guess how I reacted? Yep! Me, yelling and jumping up on another bed with a horrified look caused 20 little girls to run screaming out of their cabin half dressed and in towels. Then guess how long it took me to get them to come back into the cabin? Yeah, an hour.... IT’S NOT WORTH IT!! I couldn’t even get anyone to sleep in that bed for the rest of the week.

What I’m trying to say is, no one told me about this part of parenting! That, along with changing diapers and feeding mouths that spit up on you and bathing them, I’d also have to learn how to put on a brave face in certain situations to prevent panic and chaos. For all you non-parents out there, allow this to be a warning.

The moral of the story is:

Parenting sucks when spiders are involved.